Vivid_Orchid's Datingish

it hurts

Wed, 26 Nov 2008 02:52:50 GMT

I just broke up with N. The past couple of weeks have honestly been like there's sign after sign telling me I need to end it. So I did. It was the right thing to do, I know. But, oh, how it hurts....

Do you ever have one of those days...

Tue, 18 Nov 2008 00:43:36 GMT

.... that's not necessarily bad, but it's not really great, either? Yep. Today has been one of those days for me. I'm sad. I'm depressed, to be honest. It's like this every year at this time for reasons I am choosing not to disclose so that I can remain anonymous. Let's just say, though, that the majority of 'challenges' I've faced in my life occurred during either November or December.

I've had a recurring health problem that I can't seem to overcome - surgery hasn't helped, neither has medication. If it isn't cured, I could end up severely disabled and unable to care and provide for my children. And as I am their only parent, I desperately need this problem corrected.

But since this isn't just any ol' blogging site and is specifically about dating and relationships, let's go to that aspect of my life. The childhood friend I hooked up with just over a week ago has only contacted me once since then - and he wanted to hook up again. Go figure. N is out of the country on business and won't be back for two weeks. He said he'd try to call yesterday before he left, but I didn't hear from him. Didn't really expect to, so I'm not really surprised; but still...it would've been nice to hear his voice.

I've heard that dating goes through cycles - it's either feast or famine. At the present, you could say I'm starving.

So, I'm doing my best not to focus on the dry spell my dating life is in right now and instead focus all the extra energy on being creative, spending time with my kids, reading all those books I never seem to have time for, and remember another feast is just around the corner.

feeling the need to write

Wed, 12 Nov 2008 03:20:16 GMT

the past couple of days have been somewhat emotionally charged. myriads of thoughts are flooding my mind. i need to write them out. get some perspective. vent, i guess.

i saw N yesterday for a couple of hours and i left feeling sad. because we each have insanely busy work schedules and we live about 2 hours apart from each other, we don't see each other often. we did manage to work something out yesterday, though. but once i was safely on my way home, i began to cry - this is very unlike me.

i cried because during our short time together, i realized that what we were doing right then - as great as it was - is all that we will ever have. neither of us wants to get married, which leaves hardly any room at all for a long term relationship, and N is a self-proclaimed 'pig' (although he does admit he's not nearly as bad as he used to be.) which means that as soon as he tires of me, he's moving on to his next fling. and he doesn't ever commit to a relationship because he has a strong need to have his own 'space'.

i cried because as we were saying our good-byes, i sensed that this was the last time we'd ever see each other.

i cried because of some comments he made to me. as well-intentioned as they were, his words cut me deeply.

i cried because i realized that he'll never know the real me. he's too busy to take the time to know me. it's very possible he doesn't even care to really know me.

i cried because i felt patronized every time i tried to open up to him and show him who i really am. his attitude toward me was demeaning, as though i am a mere child and should be grateful he took the time out of his busy life to even acknowledge my existence.

and today i have cried because i will most likely never be able to openly share all this with him. i've had a very strong feeling all day that he's through with me, that he's gotten from me what he wants and has no more use for me. i hope i'm wrong. i want to share with him everything i've written here, but i doubt that i will be able to. i doubt i'll ever hear from him again.

In Thanks of Anonymity

Sat, 08 Nov 2008 15:34:13 GMT

Wow! I'm so thankful for anonymous blogs! Somewhere we bloggers can post our thoughts, our questions, our mistakes, our experiences ... without anyone knowing our true identities unless we choose. There are times - like the present - that I just need to spell out my thoughts randomly. And while it might make no sense to anyone but me (the writer), you (the reader) are free to comment and give me your unbiased insight. Yes, I am quite thankful today for anonymity.

Have you ever done something you promised yourself you wouldn't ever do? I don't mean - 'I'm going to try my hardest not to do ... ' but - 'I promise myself (and maybe even God) that I will NEVER under ANY circumstances ... ' . I did. Last night.

I have a friend that I've grown up with. We've known each other for almost 30 years and we've always kind of - and often, really - had an interest in each other. We've dated off and on. Mostly off. We'd try to date, then find out we were better off as friends. One would get upset, we wouldn't talk for a while, then we'd end up being friends again. As we've grown older, our friendship has also matured. He watched me go through a divorce and raise my kids alone. And he's always been there when I needed someone to talk to. I've watched him go through one failed relationship after another, always 'running' back to me when things didn't work out.

Until the past year or so, our friendship had always been strictly platonic. He'd let me know on several occasions that he would like to change that, but I had no interest in that. He didn't want a relationship - just sex. I'd remind him I wasn't like that. We'd flirt. I'd come close to giving in. He'd back off when I said 'enough'.

Last night, things changed. We went out. He even rescheduled another date he had since I was - finally - child-free for a night. (This is a very rare thing for me.) After our usual dinner and a movie, we went back to my house to 'watch tv'. HA! We both knew what was going to happen, even though I'd promised myself several times that it wasn't going to happen. Well .... it did.

Do I feel guilty? Yes. But not because of what I did so much as that I gave in to him. I was the only one - according to him - that wouldn't give in. And I was the one he'd wanted his whole life. Now, he's had me and that fantasy is gone. And the really sad thing is ... it wasn't even that good. (Oh, how I'm thankful for anonymity!!!)

****

Thu, 06 Nov 2008 12:15:08 GMT

I've decided that what he doesn't know won't hurt him. The truth will come out eventually, and I might as well just sick back and wait. In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy his company, enjoy him spoiling me, enjoy just being with him. Especially since I've never dated anyone like him before ~ and chances are, I never will again.

There's no need to stress over anything I can do nothing about.

I said when we first met that I would be different this time - no stressing if things aren't perfect, no second-guessing myself, no over-analyzing every minute detail. Just enjoy. Just breathe. Just relax. Now, if I can only take my own advice and stick to my 'plan'.

Should I tell him....

Mon, 03 Nov 2008 22:50:11 GMT

... that I did some research and found some indiscrepancies with what he's told me? Give him a chance to explain?

Or should I just ignore all my newly discovered information and continue acting as if I'm none the wiser?

If you were me, what would you do?

things aren't making sense ...

Sun, 02 Nov 2008 19:10:34 GMT

How strange things have turned out to be with N. They really aren't making any sense at all. So, here goes....

I googled him yesterday. (Hence, the question on my blog.) What I discovered was ....

Everything he told me about his work and accomplishments are true. But....
He is anywhere from 13-18 years older than he told me.
His ex-wife's address is listed as the same as his, so they are possibly still married.
His children are also older than he told me.

If he did lie to me about his age, I understand why. I don't like that he lied, but I'm sure he assumed that I wouldn't have paid attention if he had given me his 'real' age. And I probably would not have. The more I thought about it, though, I'm fine with his being much older. He is much more interesting than any other man I've dated and I appreciate his laid-back approach to life. I need that with as busy as my life is right now.

When we talked this morning, he explained to me about the discrepancies with what he told me and what I found online. It still doesn't make sense, though, because what I found about his ex-wife says she is the same age as the age his 'online' age. Make sense? Ok....

So, I'm not sure what to do. I haven't told him I googled him. I just asked him if he really was the age he told me and he began to explain.

Should I tell him I googled him? (I don't want him to think I'm psycho.) Should I confront him on my suspicions? (And risk him thinking I'm a stalker?) Or should I just ride it out and see what I find out just by getting to know him? (Which seems to be on HIS terms, not mine... another concern I've had.)

I really like this guy. He is the type of man I've always dreamed of. At the same time, I have this horrid feeling that I am about to be horribly surprised.

Question:

Sat, 01 Nov 2008 23:34:07 GMT

Have you ever googled your SO?

Why or why not?

If so, did you tell him/her?

*There is a reason I am asking these questions. More details to come...

What Do I Do?

Sat, 01 Nov 2008 12:14:15 GMT

I'm not really sure what to think right now. Granted, I'm on some very strong cold meds which are making me slightly incoherent. But anyway...here's the story.....

I wrote yesterday about N and our fabulous beyond fabulous date. I met N on a dating site, which would suffice it to say he's met many other women on said site as I have met many other men as well. I rarely went on the site before I met him - only when I received mail. But I decided yesterday to see if he had been on.

And he had. In the past 24 hours. Which means that sometime in the day following our fabulous date, he was on the site.

And again this morning - Active in the past 24 hours.

But was he searching? Or was he simply looking at my profile again?

Since he has chosen to keep himself anonymous on said site, I can't be sure. But I don't want to ask him and seem insecure. And that is why I am blogging - albeit anonymously - about it. Maybe it was just to see who had looked at his profile? No...he has made himself unsearchable. No one can look him up...he must find them.

He has told me how many women he has met online.

He has told me I am the only one he is dating now.

Since we just met, I don't know him well enough to know if he is a smooth-talking ladies' man (which the pessimistic side of me wants to believe) or if he is looking at my profile again to remind himself of me between times we talk (which the more positive, romantic side of me wants to believe).

I refuse to let myself obsess about this, as I tend to do. I need to relax and just enjoy things as they come, as N pointed out to me more than once on our fabulous date.

But in the meantime...

Oh, never mind. I'm relaxing. I'm taking things as they come. He did say he wants to see me again. We did IM for quite a while last night (although he was still online long after he had told me good night, which again makes me curious about the previously mentioned questions).

But ...

We have made no commitments to each other. He is free to date as am I.

So what am I 'worried' about? Is it nothing?

moving on

Fri, 31 Oct 2008 14:44:26 GMT

i've moved on. i never heard back from G, which was more than likely a good thing considering he probably didn't want to hear what i had to say. how could he make promises such as he made only to back down from them when things didn't go exactly his way?

i'd suspected all along that he was lying...my radar on these things is continually improving. so, i've moved on. deleted his number from my phone this morning. not at all interested in ever hearing from him again. and very glad i didn't keep the ring. (although, i think i miss the ring more than i miss him.)

last night, i had the most fabulous date of my life with N. he is - from what i can tell so far - the perfect catch : educated, self-motivated, secure. the night was filled with stimulating conversation - something i've desperately missed and haven't had with a man i have dated as far back as i can remember. we never ran out of topics to discuss ... one conversation just seemed to lead to another until, before we knew it, it was late - very late - and we both had a long ways to drive to go to our respective homes.

we said our good-byes, shared a passion-filled kiss (passion, by the way, being something else i've desperately lacked recently) and went our separate ways.

he said he would call. i believe he will and so am not stressing. we both live very (a slight understatement) busy lives ... just one other thing we have in common.

this could really go well. and even if things do not work out long-term, i will always have memories of last night. and - wow! - what memories they are ....