Tuesday, 11 November 2008

  • feeling the need to write

    the past couple of days have been somewhat emotionally charged. myriads of thoughts are flooding my mind. i need to write them out. get some perspective. vent, i guess.

    i saw N yesterday for a couple of hours and i left feeling sad. because we each have insanely busy work schedules and we live about 2 hours apart from each other, we don't see each other often. we did manage to work something out yesterday, though. but once i was safely on my way home, i began to cry - this is very unlike me.

    i cried because during our short time together, i realized that what we were doing right then - as great as it was - is all that we will ever have. neither of us wants to get married, which leaves hardly any room at all for a long term relationship, and N is a self-proclaimed 'pig' (although he does admit he's not nearly as bad as he used to be.) which means that as soon as he tires of me, he's moving on to his next fling. and he doesn't ever commit to a relationship because he has a strong need to have his own 'space'.

    i cried because as we were saying our good-byes, i sensed that this was the last time we'd ever see each other.

    i cried because of some comments he made to me. as well-intentioned as they were, his words cut me deeply.

    i cried because i realized that he'll never know the real me. he's too busy to take the time to know me. it's very possible he doesn't even care to really know me.

    i cried because i felt patronized every time i tried to open up to him and show him who i really am. his attitude toward me was demeaning, as though i am a mere child and should be grateful he took the time out of his busy life to even acknowledge my existence.

    and today i have cried because i will most likely never be able to openly share all this with him. i've had a very strong feeling all day that he's through with me, that he's gotten from me what he wants and has no more use for me. i hope i'm wrong. i want to share with him everything i've written here, but i doubt that i will be able to. i doubt i'll ever hear from him again.

     

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