Saturday, 08 November 2008

• In Thanks of Anonymity

  Wow! I'm so thankful for anonymous blogs! Somewhere we bloggers can post our thoughts, our questions, our mistakes, our experiences ... without anyone knowing our true identities unless we choose. There are times - like the present - that I just need to spell out my thoughts randomly. And while it might make no sense to anyone but me (the writer), you (the reader) are free to comment and give me your unbiased insight. Yes, I am quite thankful today for anonymity.

  Have you ever done something you promised yourself you wouldn't ever do? I don't mean - 'I'm going to try my hardest not to do ... ' but - 'I promise myself (and maybe even God) that I will NEVER under ANY circumstances ... ' .  I did.  Last night.

  I have a friend that I've grown up with. We've known each other for almost 30 years and we've always kind of - and often, really - had an interest in each other. We've dated off and on. Mostly off. We'd try to date, then find out we were better off as friends. One would get upset, we wouldn't talk for a while, then we'd end up being friends again. As we've grown older, our friendship has also matured. He watched me go through a divorce and raise my kids alone. And he's always been there when I needed someone to talk to. I've watched him go through one failed relationship after another, always 'running' back to me when things didn't work out.

  Until the past year or so, our friendship had always been strictly platonic. He'd let me know on several occasions that he would like to change that, but I had no interest in that. He didn't want a relationship - just sex. I'd remind him I wasn't like that. We'd flirt. I'd come close to giving in. He'd back off when I said 'enough'.

  Last night, things changed. We went out. He even rescheduled another date he had since I was - finally - child-free for a night. (This is a very rare thing for me.) After our usual dinner and a movie, we went back to my house to 'watch tv'. HA! We both knew what was going to happen, even though I'd promised myself several times that it wasn't going to happen. Well .... it did.

  Do I feel guilty?  Yes.  But not because of what I did so much as that I gave in to him. I was the only one - according to him - that wouldn't give in. And I was the one he'd wanted his whole life. Now, he's had me and that fantasy is gone. And the really sad thing is ... it wasn't even that good. (Oh, how I'm thankful for anonymity!!!)

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