.... that's not necessarily bad, but it's not really great, either? Yep. Today has been one of those days for me. I'm sad. I'm depressed, to be honest. It's like this every year at this time for reasons I am choosing not to disclose so that I can remain anonymous. Let's just say, though, that the majority of 'challenges' I've faced in my life occurred during either November or December.

I've had a recurring health problem that I can't seem to overcome - surgery hasn't helped, neither has medication. If it isn't cured, I could end up severely disabled and unable to care and provide for my children. And as I am their only parent, I desperately need this problem corrected.

But since this isn't just any ol' blogging site and is specifically about dating and relationships, let's go to that aspect of my life. The childhood friend I hooked up with just over a week ago has only contacted me once since then - and he wanted to hook up again. Go figure. N is out of the country on business and won't be back for two weeks. He said he'd try to call yesterday before he left, but I didn't hear from him. Didn't really expect to, so I'm not really surprised; but still...it would've been nice to hear his voice.

I've heard that dating goes through cycles - it's either feast or famine. At the present, you could say I'm starving.

So, I'm doing my best not to focus on the dry spell my dating life is in right now and instead focus all the extra energy on being creative, spending time with my kids, reading all those books I never seem to have time for, and remember another feast is just around the corner.

Wow! I'm so thankful for anonymous blogs! Somewhere we bloggers can post our thoughts, our questions, our mistakes, our experiences ... without anyone knowing our true identities unless we choose. There are times - like the present - that I just need to spell out my thoughts randomly. And while it might make no sense to anyone but me (the writer), you (the reader) are free to comment and give me your unbiased insight. Yes, I am quite thankful today for anonymity.

Have you ever done something you promised yourself you wouldn't ever do? I don't mean - 'I'm going to try my hardest not to do ... ' but - 'I promise myself (and maybe even God) that I will NEVER under ANY circumstances ... ' .  I did.  Last night.

I have a friend that I've grown up with. We've known each other for almost 30 years and we've always kind of - and often, really - had an interest in each other. We've dated off and on. Mostly off. We'd try to date, then find out we were better off as friends. One would get upset, we wouldn't talk for a while, then we'd end up being friends again. As we've grown older, our friendship has also matured. He watched me go through a divorce and raise my kids alone. And he's always been there when I needed someone to talk to. I've watched him go through one failed relationship after another, always 'running' back to me when things didn't work out.

Until the past year or so, our friendship had always been strictly platonic. He'd let me know on several occasions that he would like to change that, but I had no interest in that. He didn't want a relationship - just sex. I'd remind him I wasn't like that. We'd flirt. I'd come close to giving in. He'd back off when I said 'enough'.

Last night, things changed. We went out. He even rescheduled another date he had since I was - finally - child-free for a night. (This is a very rare thing for me.) After our usual dinner and a movie, we went back to my house to 'watch tv'. HA! We both knew what was going to happen, even though I'd promised myself several times that it wasn't going to happen. Well .... it did.

Do I feel guilty?  Yes.  But not because of what I did so much as that I gave in to him. I was the only one - according to him - that wouldn't give in. And I was the one he'd wanted his whole life. Now, he's had me and that fantasy is gone. And the really sad thing is ... it wasn't even that good. (Oh, how I'm thankful for anonymity!!!)